Oct 17, 2017

Hello? Anyone out there?

Well, hello. Where do I begin? I can't believe I haven't blogged since last January. So much has happened. I know most of you follow me on Instagram, so you're aware of all that's been going on with me. Here are the cliffs notes up until now..

TRIGGER WARNING: I talk about my pregnancy and loss below. Just be advised. 

At the beginning of 2016, I was really focused on my goals and heavy lifting. Things were going really well, I was down in weight, and finally pretty happy with how my body was transforming. My lowest weight since forever, 175!

After celebrating Mother's Day with my lovely little family at Ruth's Chris, my mother and I headed to Cancun. It was wonderful!

Hubs and I had a whole bunch of events last year. It was a really great feeling to get dressed up and feel like I looked beautiful standing next to him. I worked really hard and was proud of how far I had come with my weight loss. 

After returning from Mexico, we finally got the news we had been waiting for- the hubs got his transfer to MD. Close family and friends know we had been planning on relocating back to the area where I grew up. The DC are is a great place to raise kids and I absolutely love the area. Finally, we were back!

Since we moved pretty quickly, we decided to do a nice staycation to the Baltimore area before the kids started school. All they really need is a pool and they're happy! So we headed up to Baltimore for a few days, went to Medieval Times and then school started the following week.

Soon after, I just couldn't get my life together. Between moving, our vacation, the kids starting school sooner (they started before Labor Day #killme) I started to gain weight and just couldn't really find motivation. So between June and October, I gained 30lbs. I joined LA Fitness after dreading the 8 mile drive to get there and finally found a little motivation but I wasn't consistent. Then at the beginning of November I started not feeling well and figured out immediately what it was... I was preggo!

We had talked for awhile about expanding the family. I was against it for years just because I really wanted to focus on losing weight and being healthy. Gaining back weight scared me honestly. But it happened, we were happy and things were really starting to settle down for us. Christmas came and went, and I was feeling terrible. Blah. Pregnancy at 34 was seriously rough. I was in my 20's and I had energy with the other two, very little sickness and this one was completely different. I was sick for about 4 months straight and would walk a flight of stairs and be completely winded. Then I was sleeping for hours and hours. 

February 24th. 20 weeks exactly to the day. I had my regular OB appointment at 12pm and my ultrasound was at 1:45, next door. It was the longest wait EVER to find out the gender. I'm one of those people who plans everything. That means no surprises, no gender neutral stuff for me. I was leaving this ultrasound and either buying all the blue or all the pink stuff I could talk my hubs into letting my buy. Ha! I felt like it was a boy the entire time, Charles felt like it was a girl. Well, it was a girl. Emerson Nicole was my top pick. I loved the nickname Emmy and Nicole is my middle name and Sydney's as well. About an hour into our scan, something was wrong. Our world stopped. Our excitement faded. Devastating news... we probably wouldn't be bringing a healthy Emmy home in a couple months. The diagnosis was severe. She had anencephaly, spina bifida, cleft palette, and club feet. WHAT? I immediately thought I was on an episode of Grey's Anatomy. My first thought was my usual phrase when someone says something stupid- FOH... better known as Fuck Outta Here. But no. She was one of the severe cases and there was nothing we could do. 

After I stopped crying, and realized I needed to talk to someone else, someone besides the ultrasound tech, we were directed back to my ob's office to talk. My doc walked in and apologized as I looked at her in shock. We were just there 2 hours ago listening to our little 152bpm, healthy (so we thought) little muffin. Then I started to cry again wondering what I did? Was it that glass of Malbec I had on my birthday, a week before I really knew I was preggo? Was it the few times I went to the gym and lifted heavy, early in the pregnancy? Was it because my diet was shit and I've been living off of tuna sandwiches and Cinnamon Toast Crunch? I need answers. But she had none. Sometimes these things just happen, Valerie. She explained that it wasn't genetic, chromosomes just didn't split correctly and that it wasn't anything Charles or I did. Ok, so now what? Well, our options weren't anything I wanted to hear. I kinda zoned out but I heard everything she said. After the scans are looked at by a couple other people, I could terminate the pregnancy or I could carry to term and the outcome would be the same- she would be born unconscious and she would possibly live for minutes, IF she even made it 40 weeks. Well, fuck, there's no option C? My thoughts were, my doc is a bitch and she just handed me a shit sandwich. By the way, she delivered Bryce so we have a long history and I love her. But at that moment I hated her.

She gave us time to gather ourselves, no decision needed to be made right now, but I think Charles and I were on the same page. There was no way I was going to carry this baby for four more months knowing she might live minutes if we even made it to July. I can't put Bryce and Sydney through this. I can't carry a baby, them knowing once July got here, that she would die. Their little sister would maybe live minutes. So we decided. to terminate. Hardest decision I have ever made. Then I had to research what that even means. I came home and hopped on the computer and read as many mommy/pregnancy blogs as I could about the diagnosis and terminating so late in pregnancy. Since none of her organs would be able to be donated, we decided to go ahead and terminate now. What does that mean? I will be induced and sent home to dilate. The next day I return to the hospital to deliver under sedation. We will then be able to hold her and after that she will be cremated. SOUNDS FUCKING TERRIBLE. I then began to second guess myself and I called my doctor 105 times with questions because the 50 blogs written by others in my same situation made me think this is normal but that ONE blog about baby killing made me feel like I was the worst person on the planet. Do people do this? Am I... killing her? I cried for days because I was so confused. My doctor finally called me back and reassured me that the baby would have the same outcome whether they induced labor now or whether they induced labor in July. 

Our decision was about quality of life and about putting our two other kids through months of confusion and pain as well. If Emmy had a 1% chance, I would be carrying to term. But after four people looked at her scans and all agreed with the severe diagnosis, my doctor gave it to me straight- she is basically living off of me with no chance of survival outside the womb. I gave birth on March 8th and we got the most adorable footprints EVER. We decided not to see or hold her. I'm still back and forth about that decision. But I'm sure it was for the best.

FAST FORWARD.... October 2017. Grieving is fucking hard. It's a shit sandwich. I have good days and bad. I hide it pretty well for the most part. But I'm talking to my therapist and just taking it one day at a time. Like I said above, most of you follow me on IG, so you know I've been KILLING IT in the gym and CrossFit. I just finished my first 12 week cut and here are the results:

I was and still am depressed all the time. It comes and goes. I ballooned up to around 248 and I'm finally back in my stride. I turn 35 on November 13th and I'm just trying to look my best. Then I have a wedding in April that I already bought a dress for and that's my goal- 180lbs by then and to fit that dress! It can be done. I have an amazing coach and I really love my CrossFit box. Seriously, they have been getting me through the roughest of days.  

So I'm thinking of blogging again a couple times a week. For encouragement, motivation, etc. If you want to comment below with some topics you'd like me to touch on, that would be great. I will be changing up my blog and updating the pages in the next week, so stay tuned for the overhaul. 


Jan 1, 2016

Happy New Year!

Well hello! I'm alive as I'm sure most of you who follow me on FB or Instacrack already knew that. If you do follow me, you've already seen all these selfies I'm about to grace this blog with.
So what's been going on for the last six months.. still crazy. still petty.
First, my little sisters graduated high school. I'm officially old. One is at VCU and the other is GMU. My little brother is excelling and still doing well at Penn State.
After returning from Jamaica in May with my momma I started a 12 week cut. I basically decided to be super strict with my eating and my workouts were structured by my trainer. High reps, moderate weight 5 days a week and then strength training a couple times a week. As for cardio, I was doing HIIT for 25 minutes twice a week and 45 minutes of steady cardio twice a week. In 12 weeks I went from 222.2lbs to 197lbs (25.2lb loss.)

Some fun things happened this summer like wearing real clothes for a few events I was invited to. I LIVE in compression capris and sports bras.  
We vacationed in Myrtle and we had so much fun! Along with beaching and pooling it for a week straight, we took the kids to TIGERS and they got to hang out with some endangered animals. My kids LOVE animals.

I got to meet one of my long time followers, Paula. Seriously we were like instant BFF's after chatting for months. She lives 20 minutes from me; why did it take us so long to meet?!?! She was awesome and I love her face. We're like sisters. Paint Nite was SO much fun.
Finally, wrapping up the summer, my best friend in the whole wide world (I've spoke of her before. She moved to Arizona against my wishes.) Anyhoo, she adopted her beautiful daughter Caroline and I got to meet her when they were in town. I already love her little face and I'm pretty sure I'm the best aunt on the planet. Oh and it was cheat meal day for me, hence the burger and fries in the pic.
After my cut ended, I had a weekend of fun and then decided to do another one. Why not. I got a new job with the postal service which was horrible. I won't even get into all that but I'm a firm believer in being happy and appreciated and in that company you won't be either of those things. It was a terrible fit for me. Now, I will be working in my gym and I think I will really enjoy it. So back to my 2nd cut. I started at 202.7lbs and ended at 181.9 (20.8lb loss.) It kinda ran into Christmas so even though I wanted to be 180lbs by New Years, I came close. I enjoyed Christmas with my family and that's what matters. Annual sibling pic. I wonder how I got stuck being the short one?
So I'm still happy and think my cut was a success. For the last couple of weeks I have been eating less strictly and my body seems to be adjusting well. I know "cutting" isn't long term but it has definitely given me the boost I needed to help me get to 160lbs. That's the weight I want to be at before I hire my competition coach. I'm getting there.
As for the family. Charles is doing well, I mean he's still putting up with me and still hates taking pictures soooooo...
Bryce is doing so well in 4th grade. Still making honor roll and being my sweet boy! He will start basketball again soon.
Sydney turned six and skipped kindergarten. She scored so high (reading on a 3rd/4th grade level and math on a 2nd grade level) so the best decision was to let her skip. She wants to take up softball in the spring. 
Here are a couple pics from our annual family pictures. I think they turned out amazing!

Well, I think that's it. 2015 wasn't too bad. Definitely some ups and downs. But after recovering from #bingefest2014, I can say that I'm in a much better place. I'm looking forward to continuing my happiness, enjoying this journey, trying to love my body, my new job, my family/friends, and being really focused on meeting my goals in 2016.

Happy New Year.

May 20, 2015

Jamaica... Mon!

I've been meaning to update you guys and I've just been busy. For Mother's Day my momma took me to Jamaica! It was a great little get away weekend for us and we had an amazing time.. umm for the most part.. The first place we stayed was like a bed and breakfast in the mountains and we hated it. It just wasn't what we expected and the reviews were so great! Ugh. We thought it would be more spa like with great food and it was really just lay around and do nothing all day with no AC and horrible food; and no spa. Ummm, yea. No. So we checked out the next morning and found a perfect beach front resort with all the jerk chicken my spicy little heart desired and enjoyed the couple of days we had left. This was our first vacation, just the two of us and we really had a great time with a lot of laughs and inappropriateness and we enjoyed it {and both needed it SO much.}

For the most part, I ate jerk chicken, half the rice and beans they served with it and lots of salad. Jerk chicken, three times a day. Protein lol! The one indulgence was that triple chocolate cake and JESUS, it was amazing. I may have licked the plate. I gained three pounds. Womp. It was all salt and I lost it a couple days later when I got back on my gallon water routine lol. I wasn't even mad. My goal was to not rebound like I did after my cruise. So far, so good. Thanks to my coach, I woke up at 5am the day after we returned and got right back into heavy lifting and back on my strict eating. I felt great and refused to rebound like I did before. It was HARD AS SHIT to lose that 20lbs but lesson learned and I'm still going.

I allowed myself three drinks during the entire trip. I had a margarita with corona {ummm, does that count as two? naaaaaaah.} A beer and a pina colada. They were all heaven. I miss alcohol lol!

Anyhoo, I wanted to share my outfits like I did when we got back from Disney here:Vacation Pinspiration Post. I didn't want to go out and purchase a bunch of items. Just some staple pieces that I could rock all weekend and be comfortable. I am in between sizes and really just didn't want to waste the money. I found some capris at Old Navy that I fell in love with. If you follow me on IG, you know I've been searching for new jeans for a couple weeks. My favorite sweetheart cut from Old Navy is still my go-to but I noticed the 16's were too big in the waist|fit my thighs and the 14's too small in the thighs|fit my waist #fml. I went to Gap, American Eagle, and Abercrombie with no luck. So I found some jeans that fit and I'm happy with them. Back to Old Navy, I tried on different cuts and fell in love with these!  They just say Old Navy in them {not sweetheart, rock star or diva} and they fit perfectly. I love this pic. I was so damn happy.

 Pic 1: My moms outfit is from Old Navy
Top can be found here and shorts can be found here.
Pic 2: My swimsuit is by Freya and I purchased it on eBay.
{I love this brand. My brown swimsuit from last year is Freya as well}
Pic 3: My pink gingham shirt is vintage from Gap. Shoes and capris on both of us are from Old Navy.

  Pic 1: My twill white shorts are 5" from Old Navy found here and my shirt 
is from Modcloth found here. It has the CUTEST white elephants on it.
 Pic 2: Outfit from Old Navy. Top here and pants here.
Pic 3: Racerback tank is from Old Navy and my skirt is from eBay last year. 
Pic 4: The Home T and Old Navy capris

Well, that's all folks. It was a great weekend and I loved every minute of it. As for everything else.. MY progress is slow and steady as it should be. I finished my 12 week strength program and did fantastic. It helped me lose the weight I gained from #bingefest2014 and I loved that I stuck to it and didn't throw in the towel when my coach pushed me. Cause I struggled when he made me go to my max. We had some rough days but I'm stronger and thankful for him not letting me quit. We've now started a heavy lifting|overtraining program and I'm still eating my boring strict stuff....egg whites, fish, egg whites, turkey, egg whites, oatmeal, tuna, veggies; basic crap that keeps me on track. Anyway, I still am TRYING to live by the motto "enjoy the process." I'll compete when I'm ready mentally and physically. Not sure why some people are rushing me?! But...
....and my kids are still crazy and excited for summer....and the hubs is still the hubs. Still stuck with me and loving every minute.

Apr 1, 2015

What's Been Going On...

Hey everyone! I know last week on my Facebook page I said I would update you guys on all that's been going on so I wanted to make sure I did. I'm still not in a place to start blogging again. I'm super busy and really just haven't found the kick I need to start writing.

First, my family: All are well. Bryce started basketball again and has been on the honor roll all year. Sydney didn't really care for ballet so we let her switch to gymnastics. She is really enjoying it and will start cheerleading next season. The hubs is great, got a promotion at work. He's super busy as well. All is GOOD in the Tynes' household.

Next...what's been going on with me?

Well, I've been working on me. All of me. I'm a constant work in progress; as we all should be. The first year and a half of my journey was pretty easy. No lie, I got cocky and thought it would just continue being easy. Rude awakening, it wasn't. After Disney, I tried really hard to do half the work while still eating all the food. Yea, slowly one pound turned into five, then ten and so on. Y'all know the story. Anyhoo, my attitude also changed. I sat down with an old friend of mine and she said I had changed. I was looking for the likes from strangers on my journey, for them to tell me it was ok when I messed up, for the constant gratification. Instead what I needed was a real friend telling me I was messing up and to get my shit together. Though I enjoyed growing my blog a little, having a huge following, all the accolades blah blah, it changed me. It was a shit show and I was feeding into it like so many others do.

So I decided to take a step back and re-evaluate what I wanted/needed and how my negative personality was affecting me and the people around me. I enjoy communicating with others on their journeys but what I didn't need was to be on a pedestal for likes or comments. But I enjoyed the attention. Some good attention and some bad. There were times I just didn't like other bloggers|fitness Ig'ers because of what they were doing but I was slowly starting to do the same things. I wasn't better than them, I was falling down the rabbit hole too. I decided to reach out to a couple other bloggers that I'd thrown under the bus or been shitty to and apologized. The thing is, people change. Holly balls! Two people who don't really like each other CAN squash bs and move forward...
SN- Ubreakable Kimmy Schmidt is my new addiction.

People can grow and become better. Sadly, most don't see that. They hold on to what crappy things you did in the past and hold them over your head forever. Well, I'm not that person. I'm in a good place, with everyone. Some of us old bloggers {most don't blog anymore} have become good friends and are planning a meet up soon. Sometimes all it takes is an apology. We all make mistakes. I'm just happy to put a lot of things I did and said from the last year behind me.

As for competing. I still have it as a goal in the near future and haven't given up on competing in bikini. It's a goal I intend to stick with and it will get done. When I read someone say I would never compete, I thought.. Damn, I've seen a few people go from obese to competitor. Who are you to say what I will and won't do? Then I thought maybe that person is just stupid and probably has ugly kids. #sorrynotsorry, I told you I'm a work in progress lmao.

Anyhooooo... I needed to get back under 200lbs from #bingefest2014 and get back to structured workouts and strict eating. Which I have!! In three months I have lost almost all the weight I gained since Disney. I've been lifting weights 5-6x a week and cardio 4x a week. Also, I have fallen in LOVE with power lifting. I started a 9 week strength program in my gym along with my regular workouts and it's been great. I'm on week 7 and have gotten stronger and definitely want to delve more into power lifting someday. I'm heading to Jamaica for Mother's Day and it has been a great short term goal for me. I bought a new swim suit and I'm excited to be 5 months in to the start of my new journey when I leave for vacation. Letting go of last year and moving on.
Sadly, I didn't take many pictures at the end of the year so I'm still using the ones from the beginning of my journey. Regardless, I'm still proud of how far I've come. Even with the setbacks I've had.

I've been wearing lots of non gym clothes, lol.. at the end of the year my 16's were tight and now I am almost into 14's... and most of you who follow the blog also follow my IG and know I chopped off all my hairssssss. It was a great change that I needed.

That wraps up what's been going on in my world. Right now I'm just happy. At home, at the gym, with my old friends, with new friends; everything. I learned that no matter if you do everything right or not, there's going to be someone who dislikes you and is going to find something to say. If all you chose to speak negatively on is the 5% you see of me online, that's fine. I've had to work harder to not take it so personally. Those who care about me and help me when I'm down instead of kicking me are the ones who matter most and I've made sure to now make them a priority. Thank you to those who have taken the time to see the best in me. Flaws and all.

Dec 19, 2014

Happy Holidays and an Update

Hey loves! Popping in to say hi!
Our Christmas cards turned out awesome! Here is the front:

and back:

Not much going on around here for the holidays. Bryce is at his dads for the week and we will be traveling to Northern VA to spend a couple days up there next weekend with my parents and siblings. We usually do our gift exchange with them right after Christmas. My mother in law is coming over on Christmas day since she lives near us and I'm cooking, as usual, nothing extravagant since it will just be the three of us. 

We don't do much for New Year's Eve. We get a couple bottles of bubbly and some sparkling bubbly for the kids and have fun in our pj's all day and through the next day. I haven't been out on New Year's Eve since before I had kids. It just doesn't appeal to me anymore lol. Hell, I'm just trying to stay awake to watch the ball drop. So boring. I know. 

New Year's Eve 2013

I decided to revamp the blog over the holiday and get back into blogging a couple times a week. Once we get through the holidays I am going to fill you in on all that's going on with my workouts/diet/competing. If you follow me on IG you know I met with a coach 2 weeks ago. He's perfect and I'm in a great place. I also found a couple comps that I am interested in around Sept/October and he thinks 9 months to get where I want to be is great start. I decided after giving IIFYM a try, it's best for me to go back to the strict eating that helped me lose the bulk of my weight in 2013. No, I wasn't eating cheeseburgers every day because it fit my macros. There is nothing wrong with IIFYM, it just isn't for me; right now. Losing weight on it was slow and sometimes none at all, even when I gave it my all, and it was depressing. So for me, going back to my strict eating {chicken boobs, sweet taters, tuna, tilapia, veggies, grapefruit, oatmeal, boiled eggs etc.} gives me the results that make me the happiest. I gave it three months {did pretty well since my Disney Cruise} but the results were slow and again- nothing wrong with it, just not for me. 

I've had to remind myself- this isn't a sprint. Sometimes you have to try new things but no matter what, I will keep going. There are going to be setbacks. Being honest- this shit is hard. Yes, strict eating seems to work better. Yes, HIIT gives me a better burn than running lost distances. I've given different things a chance for 90 days and been unsuccessful, so back to what I know works for me. Even through a plateau, I can keep eating my strict foods but switch up my workouts. 
I was taught from Day 1- learn your body. 
I've set attainable goals, month by month and I'm going to give it my all until I get to where I want to be. I've come pretty far and made some long lasting GREAT habits. I just need to trust the process and kick my own ass! 
Happy Holidays everyone! Any big plans for the holidays?

Nov 20, 2014

Thanksgiving Traditions

A week from now most of us will be enjoying time with our families for Thanksgiving. A holiday where traditions that have been passed down are dusted off and enjoyed. I remember waking up with my mom at the butt crack of dawn to throw our turkey in. It's something the two of us did for years. I remember my dad sneaking into the kitchen to taste food in between the Lions and Cowboys games. I remember being sooo excited to see all the floats during the Macy's parade. This was our thing. We ate around 3 and again every hour after that, lol!

Once I became an adult, I tried to keep up with the traditions. Even moreso when I had kids. I wake up early, put in the turkey and watch the parade with my kids and later the football games with the hubs. My best friend and I would leave around 11:30pm to stand in line at stores to get the best deals. It was our thing. You see, back then {because it was so damn long ago} stores didn't open until midnight and some at 4am on Friday. It was something we enjoyed. There was a time or two we battle the crowds at WalMart and Target but mostly it was Old Navy, Gap, and Abercrombie that always had the best deals.

This is us a few years ago sitting out front of Gap, alone, eating Cinnabon waiting for them to open at 5am.
This tradition that my best friend and I made is something I will always treasure. Our kids were asleep, husbands in food comas, laid out on the couch and then us. Enjoying girl time, hopped up on sugary cinnamon rolls and Starbucks waiting to snag a pair of jeans for our kids for $5. We would get home around 7, just in time to cook breakfast and then we would crash for a couple hours. That's how it went. I was sad to read that Old Navy was opening its doors on Thanksgiving at 4pm. What happened to family time? What happened to my best friend and I sitting out front at 5am Friday waiting for the doors to open and laughing about how crazy we were to be the only ones out there. You're opening on Thanksgiving? Hell, at 4pm I'm probably just finishing my second plate of food. It saddens me. There are tons of stores opening on Thanksgiving and I refuse to shop there. If I miss the deals, oh well. There are some things you just don't mess with. Family time is one of them.

So many people aren't able to spend the holidays with their families. I'm going to cherish every moment with my family that I can. I thank the thousands of men and women who are doctors, nurses, hospital staff, firemen and police who work these holidays. They are saving lives, taking care of people who are sick. The sacrifice is appreciated. I also thank those in the military abroad and their families back home who can't spend time together for the holidays. You all, as well, are appreciated.

So this is what I'm going to do and if you do it, I would love to hear about it. I'm going to take my kids to the hospital near us and the fire station and do something nice for them. Just a thank you to those who HAVE to be at work saving lives. Thank you to those protecting our country who can't make it home. You all deserve a little of my family time on Thanksgiving.
I won't be shopping on Thanksgiving.

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